


Bound To Death

by justkillthetitan



Series: Eruri Week 2019 [7]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Eruri Week, Eruri Week 2019, I'm Sorry, M/M, Not Beta Read, Sad Ending, timeloop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 20:43:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20453276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justkillthetitan/pseuds/justkillthetitan
Summary: Maybe, to end this hell, to stay death after dying again, maybe Erwin needs to find a way to save Levi and himself. Maybe he needs to find a way to save more people, to do something.





	Bound To Death

The first time it happens, Erwin isn't even aware that it is happening. Nor is he aware that something is happening. 

He vaguely thinks about it being a dream, caused by the last minutes of life and the blindfold pain that has taken over his body, leaving his numb to the core. Although he doesn't feel dizzy as he thought he would in the barged of death. And while it strucks him as odd because he has been in the barged of death before and he knows what it feels, maybe it is different in this final time.

The dream starts.

He is back in the outsides of Shiganshina. Eren Jaeger is on top of the wall, their new batch of soldiers are scared beyond belief, and Erwin is sitting on the hard wooden box far away from them to have a private chat. 

Levi is kneeling before him, and Erwin feels a sense of deja vu inside his own dream. Erwin has been talking, he knows, and he vaguely remembers what he was talking about. Dreams, the death, paying his debt. And then Levi talks, and he says something along the lines of giving up, yet it sends relief on him.

Erwin frowns, because he feels the need to say something else, but he can't say it even in this last dream. It is an itch, something that keeps his his chest heavy, and kept him awake the previous nights.

He goes off to the last of his suicidal missions, to the death that awaits him. It is weird, to remember the feeling of fear. So vivid in this dream, so real, and so cruel. But he endures it, and soon he is taken down by the beast titan. This is all based on reality, he knows. But after he falls down, he finds himself in a newly created scene in his current dream.

In his dreams, he is lost in an ocean of pain, dizziness, and confusion. It feels so real Erwin wishes he could died soon just so this dream would stop. He hears footsteps, and soon he feels the presence of someone above him. 

This person is talking furiously, but Erwin can't make anything than the words _ monster _ and _ commander_, and that is all he needs. He hears the familiar sound of clanking metal. The person is still talking, maybe even sobbing. Erwin doesn't care, soon everything will end. There is a sharp and painful touch of cold metal against his chest. Erwin feels it for no more than a second. 

And then, he dies. 

***

Erwin has the same dream three more times. All of them end with either a sharp pain on his chest, or in a fuzzy state dreaming about his father at school, and a small Erwin holding up his hand to ask a question. It is so vivid, so painful that Erwin feels glad when he hears the sounds of death even though he is not truly death yet. The only one who dies is the Erwin from that dream. He nears them, the sounds of death. The clank of metal, and the barely audible intake of breath of someone else. 

***

It takes Erwin another three rounds of the same dreams to start the consideration of hell, and another three to consider the possibility of a repetition in time. Both sound silly, hell a bit more believable after all his sins, but he cannot fathom any other ideas. 

Maybe he is in a comma, or time works differently in the peak of death. Who knows, but Erwin hasn't even tried to change a thing from the repeating events. Maybe it is his guilt that prevents him from trying to survive, or the possible cruelty of not been able to.

Then after dreaming the same thing again and again, Erwin tries to do something else then just dying.

***

Two more tries and Erwin realizes that the person who is talking furiously at him on his dream is a soldier he vaguely remembers as Floch, the new recruit who fell down on the ground, crying about his meaningless death. 

Erwin does something selfish, and he hasn't been planned on it had he not looked at Levi. Levi, who tells him to give up his dreams and his life, who tried to convinced Erwin to run away with Eren so humanity could stand a chance. Levi, who looks so sad after Erwin gave everything up.

As selfish as it was, Erwin was never selfless to begin with. He manages to survive the beast titan's attack save for a few scratches. He watches as the beast and that intelligent titan flee, leaving Levi behind with a handful of titans. He watches as Levi defeats every single one of them. And when he approaches the man, Erwin sees the relief on Levi's eyes when he sees a breathing Erwin standing there. They look at each other for a few seconds, taking in the gamble, the odds of such thing to happen. Of such luck, even if it truly wasn't.

They make their way to chase the beast titan, because they believe they can take him down and they can't let him escaped with Eren.

They almost kill the beast, they would had, but Erwin will let himself be eaten by the intelligent titan then letting Levi die. 

He does, and the last thing he remembers before dying inside the mouth of this nameless titan are Levi's eyes. So shock, and so sad it almost makes Erwin regret his decision. But no, Levi needs to live, and Erwin chooses to die for that.

***

This time something happened, something didn't go as plan. Timing, maybe, or something happened overall that changed the way things had happened in their previous time. While Levi had been able to defeat the beast titan, something goes wrong. Horrendously wrong. Standing so far away from Levi to save him again, Erwin can't do more than to watch the lifeless body of his captain fall to the ground. Meaningless, like a fly with no name. That angers Erwin.

And he fights and fights even when shock and sorrow threatens to paralyze him, because giving up would have only disappoint Levi. 

But with only one arm, with the walls so far away, and six titans on him, there is no way he could make it.

And he doesn't, and before he dies he thinks about Levi. Always about Levi.

***

Maybe, to end this hell, to stay death after dying again, maybe Erwin needs to find a way to save Levi and himself. Maybe he needs to find a way to save more people, to do something.

***

But Erwin saves a great fraction of their numbers, and Levi dies, and he goes back to the beginning.

***

And Erwin saves Levi and some others, but he dies in the process.

***

He tries everything, anything. But no matter what, Levi or Erwin dies. There is no way in this battle to survive together, Erwin finds out.

***

Time goes by, and Erwin has giving up in finding anyways to break this hell. This is hell. Not a second chance, no a time defect, nothing but hell. Time and time again he is given some hope about Levi and him surviving, yet it always turns into ash.

The amount of times he has seen Levi died is unimaginable. Sometimes Erwin doesn't witness his death and only finds his lifeless body lying around before starting again. Because if Levi dies and Erwin doesn't, the dream repeats itself. Erwin is glad and damn about it. A world without his captain was something he rather not think about, but having to lose him again pains him more but gives him some tiny bit of hope.

Sometimes Levi dies in his embraced. Sometimes slowly, and sometimes quicker. Erwin always has an impulse to say his forbidden words, but he always chickens out, or when he gathers the strength Levi as already died.

_ Say it _ , Erwin would tell himself, _ say it, you damn coward. _

But he goes back. Again, and again. 

***

Again, and again.

Again, and again.

Again, and again.

***

He is back seated on the wooden boxes. Levi is once again kneeling before him. This is where things always start. With Levi and him alone in their little atmosphere. Levi tells Erwin to give up his dreams and life, and Erwin takes it. After this, both men are supposed to stand up and prepare for battle, but this times Erwin decides that it is _ time _. He gathers all his courage, all the hope he has left. It comes from somewhere within him.

Defeat? Desperation? Hope?

"Hey, Levi," Erwin says so softly like if he was in a daze. Levi doesn't answer, but he is looking at him so insensility. Paying attention to him because for this Levi, Levi who never remembers their previous encounters, this is the last time they will see each other.

The next words feel like a bucket of warm water in a cold day. Erwin feels relax, calm. The anxiety and worry, and even the sorrow he has felt for so long eases down. It goes away like it was never there.

Erwin feels _ free _.

"I love you," he said. And it had taken Levi a minute before he responded. It set off a muffle bell inside his head. Levi answered so quietly, so full of pain and sorrow.

"Love you too," Levi says. Erwin feels himself smiling. 

A lot of things run through his mind in a rush. He feels sad, robbed from something that could had been, but happy for what they had had. Their little time. Maybe, maybe this time things will be different.

He goes to his last suicidal battle, not taking Floch's spot because he has a feeling telling him that if he does, things will be broken and he would never be able to fix it. 

He falls from his horse, a hole on his body. Then he is carried and dropped somewhere, and he can vaguely hear Levi's voice even if he can't make out what his words are.

There is barely audible intake of breath, he heard what could be thunderstorm but he can't tell by now. 

_ Yeah, this is what peace feels like, _ he thinks vaguely before slipping away.

He never goes back.

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah, this is the end of the week for me. I was thinking about writing the extra prompt for 'Afterlife' to make a sort of continuation for this fic ending in a happy note. But you know what? We started sad, we end sad. I guess that's life.
> 
> Writing this prompts was fun!


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